Homunculus Sitter For Hire!
by The.Letter.L
Summary: well, lets just say that Dante doesnt trust the homunculi in her mansion alone...she is right to worry...


Homunculus Sitter For Hire

Homunculus Sitter For Hire

By: The.Letter.L

My name is Scarlet. I was hired to watch over the childish homunculi while Dante was gone. Don't get me wrong, I hate her as much as the next dude, this was a way to get some extra cash in my pocket. That is unless Greed pulls a pick-pocket on me, when he is not pranking the others. Every now and then I go along with his pranks. Sometimes they are funny, and some blow up in his face, either way its fun to watch. I never have to worry about Gluttony because he's always eating, I also don't have to worry about Pride (King Bradley) or Sloth because they are at work most of the time. So I basically take care of Lust, Envy, Wrath, and Greed. This should be simple, right? WRONG! I usually have to make sure they don't completely demolish each other. Now there is a barrier that prevents me to leave the mansion because of last time.

It all started when I reported there for duty, Dante always gives me a potion so none of the homunculi can kill me, because you know how easy tempered they can get. Anyway, as soon as Dante left, everything got chaotic! I soon heard a shriek of unpleastness coming from Lust's room. As I raced up the stairs to see what the matter was. I dashed into her room to find that Envy was jerking Lust's long, black, wavy hair.

"GET OFF!!" Lust shouted at the top of her lungs.

"Not until you take it back!" Envy growled. I immediately run over to Envy, whose neck was reveled, and gave him a karate chop to his neck. He let go of Lust's hair and was holding his neck with a rather annoyed look in his eyes.

"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR!?" He shouted as he recovered by grabbing me by the shirt collar. I soon was lifted off my feet into the air.

"The real question is what's going on in here?" I asked in an annoyed tone

"She started it, she called me a she-man!" Envy stated pointing to Lust, letting me down.

"That's only because he said I focus too much on my looks, that I was a 'slut', is that right 'she-man'?"Lust said in her calm, casual voice. Not two seconds after that Envy tackled Lust, again, and I had to break it up, again.

"NOW HEAR ME! YOU TWO ACT LIKE A COUPLE OF TWO-YEAR OLDS! STOP YOUR FIGHTING OR I'LL MAKE YOU DO SO MUCH CLEANING, YOU WILL NEVER MOVE AGAIN, AND THAT'S A PROMISE!!" And with that yelled and done, the two stopped and gave me an evil look.

"Don't think just because you where chosen to watch us, does not mean you are better," Lust stated as if she were annoyed at me. I casually turned to walk out. After that I made my rounds to check on everybody. As usual, Gluttony was eating, Wrath was playing in his room, but Greed had something up his sleeve. He was hiding in a dark corner near Wrath's room. He was giggling up a storm.

"Uh, Greed, what are you doing?" I asked as he looked up. He gave a big grin.

"Ok, get this, I have a major prank for Wrath, it is so funny!" he snickered as he slowly walked toward Wrath's room. I just gave a grim look.

"C'mon, he's not bothering you, leave him alone…" I said, he obviously was ignoring me. He slid up to the door and…

"BOOOO!!" Greed yelled as he ran in the room to scare Wrath. There was a scream, then an angry cry.

"GREED, IM GOING TO KILL YOU!!" Wrath gave an angry growl as he pounced on his prey. I gave a sigh as I slowly walked to the cloud of chaos.

"Stop it," I said as I grabbed Greed by the furry collar. Wrath did not approve of this, so he grabbed my arm and chucked me across the room. I flew and hit the wall. As I got up, Greed froze, for he knew the wrath of an anger woman.

"Dude, you are in big trouble," Greed said as he slowly backed away from Wrath. I just laughed as I slapped a bracelet on his wrest.

"I'm going to give you the worst punishment known by all temperamental children…" I stated as I slowly walked by Wrath, heading downstairs.

"Why don't you just take care of me now…" he yelled as he ran up behind me and…ZAP!! Greed just fell to the floor laughing. Lust and Envy came out to see what all the commotion was. Lust just sighed.

"This is a little questionable…" Lust states. I just faced Lust with a cheery look.

"Well, I'm going to make Wrath learn self control…its call, 'An Alchemist's guide for Anger Management'!" I said as I looked at a tired Wrath. He was lying on the ground. "…Now, every time Wrath goes all, 'Hulk Mad!' without my consent, he gets electrocuted." I stopped and turned to Wrath. "You can attack Greed for his rude and totally un-called for prank…" I said with a grin. Wrath grew an evil smile as Greed paused his laughter. Greed slowly got up and ran down the stairs. Wrath just grinned.

"Fine by me…" he said as he started after Greed. Envy and Lust broke out in laughter.

"Now then, that settled, I'm going to clean now…come get me if ya need me…" I said as I went to gather my cleaning supplies. Hours later the mansion was almost clean. I plopped on the couch and began to relax when all of a sudden, Greed jumped over my head, soon followed by Wrath. Wrath stopped to get some air, for he had been chasing him all day.

"You still haven't caught him yet?" I asked in surprised tone. He gave me an angry look.

"He keeps on pulling pranks on me, and it slows me down," he stated. I sighed.

"At this rate, he won't learn his lesson…"I stated as I flopped back on the couch. Wrath just continued his chase. Soon it got quiet, _too_ quiet. I got up and walked up the stairs to check on Lust and Envy. All was still, as I walked to the door that said 'Lust'. I slowly walked in and all was dark…all of a sudden, the door behind me closed. I tried to open the door, but all I heard was an evil laugh. It was Greed on the other side of the door. I growled with anger and backed up. I gave the door a hard roundhouse kick and the door came crashing off the hinge. As the smoke cleared, I saw Greed stand there. Wrath soon caught up and studied the scene.

"…But I though that Wrath walked in there…" Greed panicked. I grabbed a bracelet out of my pocket and ran after Greed. By the time he realized he was in trouble, it was too late…SNAP! I slapped the bracelet on his wrest. He panicked and tried to get it off. I laughed and was soon joined by Wrath. Envy walked by.

"What is going on?" he questioned. I stopped and gave him a humorous look.

"Lets just say, don't cross me…" I chuckled. Envy walked off as I refocused my attention on Greed.

"HEY! NO FAIR!!" Greed whined on the floor. I looked at him with annoyance.

"Now then…where's Lust?" I asked. Greed grew a smile.

"Ill tell you if you get this thing off…" Greed grinned.

"I have a necklace to match that bracelet…" I said growing irritated.

"OKOK!! She when shopping," Greed said jumping up on his feet.

"That's fine, as for you," I said staring at Greed, "…clean the mansion!" I yelled. Greed stood there.

"Or what?" ZAP "AH!! OK OK!!" Greed mumbled as he went to gather the cleaning supplies. I smiled at Wrath, who at this point, was rolling on the floor laughing. I then decided to get dinner started. I headed down to the kitchen. I noticed Envy was watching TV with a bored look on his face. I came and sat beside him on the dark purple colored couch.

"What'ca doing?" I asked.

"Watchin' 'Pimp My Ride', I don't see why humans get all crazy when someone fixes up some piece of trash that was already beat up…if I where them, I would get an old car, and beat it up myself, see if they can 'pimp' that, HA!" Envy said in a bored tone.

"Why don't you go see if Wrath wants someone to play with him…." I asked. Envy looked at me like I was insane.

"No," he stated. Of course I knew he would not cave in so easily.

"So, is 'Pimp My Ride' your favorite show?" I asked.

"I guess so, in all the episodes I've seen, I have never seen anyone angry over their car, if I where there, I would act like I hated it, that way I get it free," he answered.

"But I thought that they get it for free anyway…"

"Yeah, in a perfect world, how do you think they pay for all that pimpin', with a 'Thank you so much' and 'I Love YOU!'s, no way man."

"Oh, so you got it figured out eight ways to Sunday…don't ya?"

"Yes, and someone needs to put that 'X-Zibit' character in his place!" He said pointing the remote to the TV. I started my journey to the kitchen when I heard the front door open and closed. I walked into the main entrance hallway to find mountains of shopping bags. I was floored as Lust came from behind one of the mountains.

"LuSt!? WhAt On EaRtH iS aLL this!?" I managed to swank out.

"Oh, well, the mall had a special, 60 off _everything_ in the store…I could not pass that up." She said calmly. I stood there looking at all the bags with a weird look on my face. "I even got Wrath a new pet…" She said digging in the piles. She grabbed a cage and showed me a pet chinchilla. I stood baffled.

"…and what do you think Dante is going to say when she gets back?"

"Oh relax, I know what to do, this mansion is so big, I'll just place stuff where it needs to go, she will never know…" Lust said as she took some bags. I just let her by.

"Alright, but if she does notice, I had nothing to do with it…" She just walked off, and I made my way to the kitchen. I walked to the fridge and noticed Gluttony at the pantry. I walked over to him, but not too close.

"Hey Gluttony, what should we have for supper?" I asked. He looked at me in a weird way.

"Can't we have everything?" he asked with food all over his face.

"Sorry, I can't eat like you, how about that big box of macaroni?" He just smiled and handed me the huge box and I got a pot of water out. As I waited for it to boil, I got on the phone and mail ordered Envy an old, white Ford Contour. I heard Greed walk into the kitchen breathlessly.

"Ok, I'm done," he stated. I just laughed.

"Ok, now you can rest for a bit, I know you don't have to eat but, do you want some macaroni anyway?" I asked. Greed's eyes lit up. "I take that as a yes… Sloth and Bradley should be home soon, make sure Gluttony does not eat this," I said as I went to go check on everyone. I walked up to the rooms and noticed that Lust was getting all dolled up. I walked into her room. "Hey, what's all this for?" I asked smiling. Lust just kept on.

"I'm going out on a date…" I looked at her puzzled.

"With who?" she hesitated for a bit.

"Scar," I was floored.

"I-I thought he was dead!" I stood there as if my legs where stone. Lust just looked up at me.

"No, he did that as a publicity stunt,"

"Why would he fake his own death?" she blushed a little.

"To keep our relationship a secret," she then continued getting ready. I was totally freaking out.

"But, he hates me…" I said. She just began to do her hair.

"Tuff for you huh?" I just slowly walked out of the room. I ran to go see if the macaroni was ready when Sloth and Bradley arrived home. I greeted them.

"Good day at work?" I asked, Bradley did not look to thrilled.

"Edward Elric is getting to close to finding out our hideout." Sloth just looked at him.

"I can take it from here, go to your human family," she said as Bradley just turned to leave. As soon as he left, Sloth looked at me. "do you think you could handle it if he come to the mansion?" then Wrath ran down the stairs.

"I sure can," I said as Wrath hugged her.

"YAY!! YOUR HOME!!" he yelled. She just smiled at me, then down to Wrath. I made my way back to the kitchen to see Gluttony was bugging Greed for the macaroni. I was too focusing on the Elric problem.

"Go ahead and let him have it, I'm not hungry any more…."

Later in the day, Lust had left to date Scar, Wrath and Sloth had been playing, Envy was watching TV, and Gluttony was eating. I had no idea where Greed was, and this got me paranoid.

"Greed?" I yelled as I walked through the mansion. I looked outside to find that he was in a fight with a blonde boy. I immediately recognized the boy. "EDWARD ELRIC?!" I rushed down to the patio and ran out to Greed. "Greed, get inside," I said as he gave me a rude look.

"Oh c'mon, this is my fight!" he whined.

"NOW!!" and with that, he stomped into the house like an angry child. I ignored him and faced Edward Elric. I put my hands on my hips. "Can I help you?" I asked, not intending to help. Ed just gave a weird look.

"Um, I was just fighting Greed, why did he listen to you?" he asked. I grew an evil smile.

"BECAUSE I ROCK!!" I said as I charged, my ego was overflowing and had blinded me from all my logical knowledge. An hour later, I had managed to drive off Edward, but in the process of slapping a bracelet on his leg, somehow I broke my legs……

Scarlet finished writing in her very first diary. She sat on the couch and looked at the white casts that were around her legs. She looked up to see a happy looking Envy holding the remote in his hands.

"What are you so happy about?" Scarlet asked. Envy continued to smile.

"Watch and see," he said as he popped on the ground and turned the TV on. The words, 'Pimp My Ride' lit up the screen. I looked at Envy.

"You didn't," he gave a smock smile.

"I did…" and then on, the two watched Envy's episode of 'Pimp My Ride'!

THE END


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